Well, no. The truth of the matter is, just a couple of small precautions need to be taken during day to day use of our laptops or desktops to keep us safe from harm.

Here are our top 3 tips for keeping free of those pesky Viruses:

1. Don’t have an email account

Quite simply the most effective way to keep your computer virus free is to not have an email account. By not having an email account you’ll ensure you won’t receive any email that might contain any viruses. You’ll also free up 2-3 hours of your waking day by not having to continually move emails with subject lines like, “RE: I will cheat on my teenage lesbian daughter with you” to the junk box.

2. Don’t have an email account

Yeah, we know that was our number 1 tip as well but we thought it was worth repeating. Most people will have you believe that it’s not really possible to survive these days without an email account but it is. Signup to our email newsletter to find out how.

3. Actively encourage small doses of computer viruses

Vaccination as a prevention to computer viruses is a very effective way to maintain a healthy PC. Much like a Flu vaccination where a small dose of the flu virus is administered into the body to build immunity against contracting the full blown flu virus, deliberately infecting your PC with a small computer virus can prevent against contracting more powerful computer viruses. The quickest way to immunise is to search Google for any phrase with the words, “Russian”, “warez” and “free” in it, visit the site, download any of the wonderfully dirty free software and install. Hey presto your computer is now infected with some form of computer virus and will immediately begin to build up an immunity against other computer viruses.

Our first video technical support question comes from SpaceHunk95@yahoo.cock who asks;

Click here to view the embedded video.

Basically, SpaceHunk95@yahoo.cock is asking,

“I’ve taken my PC to bits and spread it out over the table, turned it on and stuck a pen nib across two of the motherboard electro conductive tally whackers and all it does is make a continuous beeping noise. What should I do?”

Well SpaceHunk95@yahoo.cock, turn it off, put it all back together and stop f*@king about with it, surely you can find better things to do? Nice Spoktech 520 PSU though brother, I bet that packs a real punch!

The basics explained

Ok so, first of all it’s not the music that has left your laptop (we always have a good chuckle when we hear that suggested) it is of course the band that plays the music. Most people don’t realise that sound cards are actually powered by very tiny bands and the quality of sound card performance is dependant on the quality of the band resident on the card. In future posts we’ll talk further about this but for now you just need to grasp the tiny band concept.

The day the music died

We’ve all been there, you boot up your laptop first thing of a morning eager to dive into a heavy day of social bookmarking and tag cloud surfing and the usual windows startup music doesn’t play. “That’s odd” you think, “maybe I just didn’t hear it over the hard drive grinding noise”, so you try playing one of your mp3s and still nothing.

So, What has happened?

Well it’s quite simple really, overnight the band have decided to leave. There are many reasons why this might happen and we’ll look at some potential reasons along with some potential fixes in later posts.

A temporary fix

There are two possible temporary fixes,

1. Buy a new laptop and threw the other out. The new laptop will come pre-configured with new soundcard and therefore a new resident band.
2. Have someone sit by your side using a different laptop with working sound and instruct them to mirror your actions thus creating the missing audio

“Recently we moved from Stoke-on-Trent to Birmingham because my husband who is a struggling street entertainer felt that the larger population of Birmingham should mean a tenfold increase in his weekly wage. Unfortunately that has not turned out to be the case and it appears that the people of Birmingham have not warmed to my husbands unique brand of street entertainment in which he combines the ancient Japanese art of paper folding (Origami), juggling and freestyle jazz dance. In his defense I would add that the weather conditions in Birmingham are not conducive to an optimum performance of this rare art form.

On the day of our move we carefully packed our much loved PC in a box and placed it in the back of our car. We were very careful and wrapped the PC and monitor in bubble wrap. Placing them in boxes we then packed soft cushions around the boxes to further aid their protection.

Imagine our dismay when we arrived in Birmingham and after unpacking and reconnecting our PC hardware we discovered the icons on our desktop had fallen off somewhere in transit. We’ve search the boxes we packed the PC in and even the back of the car but we can’t find them anywhere.

What should we do? Is there anywhere we can buy spare desktop icons to replace the ones we’ve lost?”

Well Sue, first of all let me assure you, you’re not alone. If I were to collect all the desktop icons lost in transport during an unspecified given period I’d have enough desktop icons to fill a receptacle of unspecified proportions and that’s no small amount let me tell you. Before moving the PC you should have either installed Shytechs Perma Desktop Icon Patch or have taken a screenshot of your desktop and set that as your desktop wallpaper. Unfortunately your only course of action now is to completely reformat your hard drive and reinstall all your software over again. During the installation of each piece of software you’ll be asked if you would like to place a shortcut icon on your desktop, answer yes to replace the desktop icons you lost during transit. I hope that helps Sue, be more careful next time. Anyone with any sense knows that moving a PC can cause this sort of shit to happen, you’re obviously a bit of an idiot.